day 17 :: freefall to fly

Several months ago, I read a book called "Freefall to Fly" by Rebekah Lyons.  Y'all, I devoured this book.  I remember calling a friend one evening and reading parts to her and being overwhelmed at how this book spoke to me right where I was.  I underlined passages, folded down pages, put exclamation points at places that were astounding to me.  I tore this book up.  It spoke to my heart, and not in that warm fuzzy place, that place deep down that  knew work needed to be done.

One section really spoke to me and got a underline and an exclamation point.  I knew I couldn't do it justice in trying to summarize what the author wrote, so here it is word for word.

     "I was reminded by a dear friend, "If you are in hell, keep walking."  because 

       somewhere along the way, if you stay in the place where your heart breaks 

      and you put one foot in front of the other, the darkness will eventually lift.

      The crack of light will burst forth on the horizon, far, far, away.  It will be the 

       slightest breath of hope.  Just like the word stay was for me.  You won't know

       what the light will yield, but the mere fact that it is light will be enough."

For the past year, I feel like I have been walking putting one foot in front of the other, waiting for that glimmer of light.  A little bit of hope.  It has been a time of dealing with the consequences of bad choices, dealing with a broken heart, questioning the things I thought were already true, wondering if it was worth hanging on to life long dreams and desires.  It has just been struggle.  Some days, it took everything in me to put my feet on the floor to even attempt to put one foot in front of the other,  but with every step, every intentional choice to keep walking, that crack of light became more and more clear.  

I have typically been the kind of gal who was afraid to mess up or make bad choices.  Hear me well, not saying I am perfect by any stretch of the imagination.  Far from it really.  But I was not a rebellious teenager, I never really took part in reckless behavior and the reason was I was always afraid of the consequences.  And through this journey the last year, I have understood why.  That slow journey of looking for the light in the midst of the darkness is lonely.  The darkness is painful and hard.  But as I am continue to move through this time, I also can see that it is necessary and freeing.  I know I have a long way to go.  I need grace, grace from those closest to me for times that I was not a great friend, sister or daughter. I need grace from the One who loves me unconditionally, and offers that grace so freely.  I need grace for myself, to not let a mistake define me.  

So for this season, I will keep walking, one foot in front of the other, trusting that the promise of light is waiting for me.