day 17 :: freefall to fly

Several months ago, I read a book called "Freefall to Fly" by Rebekah Lyons.  Y'all, I devoured this book.  I remember calling a friend one evening and reading parts to her and being overwhelmed at how this book spoke to me right where I was.  I underlined passages, folded down pages, put exclamation points at places that were astounding to me.  I tore this book up.  It spoke to my heart, and not in that warm fuzzy place, that place deep down that  knew work needed to be done.

One section really spoke to me and got a underline and an exclamation point.  I knew I couldn't do it justice in trying to summarize what the author wrote, so here it is word for word.

     "I was reminded by a dear friend, "If you are in hell, keep walking."  because 

       somewhere along the way, if you stay in the place where your heart breaks 

      and you put one foot in front of the other, the darkness will eventually lift.

      The crack of light will burst forth on the horizon, far, far, away.  It will be the 

       slightest breath of hope.  Just like the word stay was for me.  You won't know

       what the light will yield, but the mere fact that it is light will be enough."

For the past year, I feel like I have been walking putting one foot in front of the other, waiting for that glimmer of light.  A little bit of hope.  It has been a time of dealing with the consequences of bad choices, dealing with a broken heart, questioning the things I thought were already true, wondering if it was worth hanging on to life long dreams and desires.  It has just been struggle.  Some days, it took everything in me to put my feet on the floor to even attempt to put one foot in front of the other,  but with every step, every intentional choice to keep walking, that crack of light became more and more clear.  

I have typically been the kind of gal who was afraid to mess up or make bad choices.  Hear me well, not saying I am perfect by any stretch of the imagination.  Far from it really.  But I was not a rebellious teenager, I never really took part in reckless behavior and the reason was I was always afraid of the consequences.  And through this journey the last year, I have understood why.  That slow journey of looking for the light in the midst of the darkness is lonely.  The darkness is painful and hard.  But as I am continue to move through this time, I also can see that it is necessary and freeing.  I know I have a long way to go.  I need grace, grace from those closest to me for times that I was not a great friend, sister or daughter. I need grace from the One who loves me unconditionally, and offers that grace so freely.  I need grace for myself, to not let a mistake define me.  

So for this season, I will keep walking, one foot in front of the other, trusting that the promise of light is waiting for me.  

day 16 :: in love with october

I am about to say something that might send some of you into a frenzy.  I have not always loved the season of Fall.  Growing up in the mountains, I guess I took for granted the beauty and splendor of this season.  Don't get me wrong, I love the leaves changing colors and always thought they were beautiful.  But the added tourists, the crazy drivers, the long lines at anything in town kinda led me to dread fall.

But this year, I have totally changed my tune.  I am in love with the beginning of this fall season.  The weather has been perfect for evening visits with friends at the local wine shop.  The leaves are changing into the most beautiful colors.  This fall has brought on 2 things I honestly never thought I would do, ride 17 miles on a bike and participate in a 5K.  New pumpkin recipes, new jobs, new adventures.  Yes, I am truly thankful for this season of change.

And maybe that is because this has been a season of change for me.  Changes in job, which has led to new friends and new challenges.  Changes in relationships, some hard, really hard, but have led to self reflection.  Changes going on in my heart, tough stuff, but necessary.

I am thankful for what this October has brought about in my life.  What has changed for you this fall?

day 15 :: I think I will do Laundry instead

I wanted to write about something that was really close to my heart tonight.  I really did. 

I drummed my fingers on my MacBook Pro keyboard like racing horses.

I refreshed my Facebook feed over and over again, thinking that if I just put it off a few more minutes that I would have the courage to really open up on the ole' blog.  

I even texted a dear friend and asked for her advice for topics about what I should write about tonight.  She had some great ideas! 

I ate a bowl of ice cream.  

I even loaded my dishwasher. 

I avoided.  

And what it boils down to is this...I am afraid.  I am afraid of putting a little bit of my heart out here on the blog.  I am not as brave as so many of these writers of blogs I read.  Those writers who truly open up their hearts and share what is really going on in there.  I am not as brave as my mom friends, who talk about the hardships of being a mom and how life really isn't as perfect as it looks on pinterest or facebook.  I am not as brave as my friends who boldly proclaim how God is working in their lives and how He has been faithful, even in the hard times.  I am not as brave as my young friend who is working her first job but still shares about the scary parts of being on your own for the first time.  I am afraid.

Maybe one day I will muster up the courage it takes to really share my heart here.  I know it would do me a world of good, but for tonight, I think I will just do a load of laundry!

(on a side note, I am pretty proud that I have made it 15 days on the blog. this might be a first!  so if you are stopping by to read these random ramblings...thanks! leave a comment to let me know you have stopped in! :) )

day 14 :: for good

Today we celebrated the life of my dear friend Gayle.  One of the things that what shared over and over at the service was that Gayle was a gift to us and that she gave us gifts to give in return.  Gifts like courage, a servant heart, perseverance. 

As I was sitting in the service listening to those words, I couldn't help but think of all the gifts I have been given in the friends that I have been blessed to have.  Friends who, without knowing, have shown me unconditional love in the way that they love their kids and allow me to love them as well.  Friends who have shown me forgiveness when I have been foolish, self centered and thoughtless.  Friends who have given me the gift of determination as I watch them juggle family, dissertation writing, church activities, schedules that are constantly busy.  Friends who have shown me grace when it was not deserved and in turn pointing me to Jesus. Friends who have shown me servant hearts by loving on the unlovable, being a shoulder to cry on in the roughest times in my life.   You see in my life I have been blessed with some of the most amazing friends who have given me the most precious gifts.  And I have been changed for good because of these friends. 

This song was sung at Gayle's service today and it is honestly been one of my favorites for a long while.  So thank you dear friends, for changing me for good!

Days 12 and 13 :: just like riding a bike

A few months ago, a group of my friends decided to plan a trip to ride theVirginia Creeper trail.  Before really realizing what this entailed, I agreed to this adventure.  Mostly because it is always a good time with this group of friends and it sounded like fun.  At the time I did not realize I was committing to a 17 mile bike ride.  I had not been on a bike in at least 20 years, and I know they say you never forget, but I was pretty confident this girl had long forgotten how to ride a bike.

Yesterday was the big day for our ride, and it was the perfect day for a 17 mile bike ride.  The fall colors were gorgeous and the scenery was breathtaking.  I felt like I was in a postcard all day long.  The quaint towns we rode through, the old buildings and stunning views.  The company, the ice cream treat at the end, everything about our day was perfect!  And riding the bike, was no problem!

There were several times through our ride yesterday where I was away from the group, just pedaling (or coasting) along taking in all the sites around me.  I was blown away by the vibrant colors, the flowing creeks and just the absolute beauty of what was surrounding me.   I was so thankful for this time to just be quiet and still, no cell service meant I was off the grid for a good 7 hours or so.  I was so thankful for the simple reminders of how God is in the little details of everything.  I was so thankful for the 7 friends who were along the trail with me, who live life with me and encourage me.  Yesterday was just one of those days, those perfect days, where you are reminded about the sweet things in life.

 
 
So thankful...

day 11 :: gonna be honest

Gonna be honest here tonight on the ole' blog.  I got nothing.  My brain is tired.  My heart is heavy.  I am anxious and weary and just don't feel like I have must to offer this blog this evening.

Please tell me that I am not the only one who ever feels that way. Are there things I should say?  Sure.   Could it be freeing to talk about some of my deep down feelings, thoughts, worries, fears?  Yep, probably.  But I just don't have it in me tonight.

I hope that doesn't turn you away from reading the rest of the 31 posts this month.  This is just me being real. Today a good friend reminded me that I don't always  have to pull it together, that I don't have to get over it, I am human and this is just part of this crazy thing we call life.


Thanks you few readers out there for letting me be real and messy and human on the blog today!

day 10 :: grow up

Over the past couple of weeks I have had multiple conversations with some ladies who are fresh out of college and have ventured into the real world. New jobs, first apartments, marriage, first paychecks, bills...all these new and exciting things hitting them in the face for the first time!  And at some point in each of these conversations, each girl has said in some form or fashion, "Growing up is not as fun as I thought it would be."  And sometimes I have to agree.  That fantasy that we have in our heads when we are in college just doesn't always seem to come true.  Life is hard, messy and ugly at times.  Of course there are times that bring us great joy, make us laugh until we cry and encourage us, but there are also times where it seems like it would be much easier to call mom and dad and live in their basement!

So here are few things that I wish I had known before I realized that growing up is hard!

1.  Bills...they take your paycheck!  I thought I would get to buy new clothes, go on fancy trips, eat out every night.  But nope, those darn power bills, water bills, insurance bills seem to suck up every last penny. (And now I am singing Bills by Destiny's Child)

2.  Finding a church and community is exhausting, hard and messy.  When I first moved to Hickory a church family and community was something I longed for.  And I guess in my naive 22 year old mind, I thought it would just fall into my lap.  But friends, this was probably one of the hardest things I have done in my life.  It took me such a long time to find a church where I felt at home and cared for.  And now I find myself in that place again and I dread it.  I guess what I learned in this process is no church is perfect and being our of your comfort zone is not always a bad thing.

3.  Car repairs and maintaining is no fun!  I hate dealing with car stuff.  I hate calling to get the appointment, I hate getting the call about what is wrong, I hate checking my bank account to see if there is enough money to cover said repairs.  Seriously not my favorite thing.  Aren't your parents just supposed to take care of that all the time!

4.  Friday night no longer has the same meaning that it did in college.  Loved going out on Friday evenings with my friends in college.  It might have just been dinner but seriously, looked forward to it every week.  But then full time jobs happened. And honestly, if I can make it til 8 o'clock on Friday evenings, it is a miracle.  I am exhausted.  And maybe it is just teachers, but goodness, there is no more going out on Friday!

I could go on and on about things I wish I had been told before the real world became my reality.  But I guess the biggest thing I have learned is..growing up is hard!