day 9 :: when i grow up

I met Hannah when she was in the 3rd grade.  She is one of those kids, the kind of student who finds that special place in your heart and you know they will stay there for a long time.  Hannah was an overall great student, smart, funny, talented.  I have no doubt she will be that "best all around" kinda kid when she is in high school.

I had the privilege of teaching Hannah for 3 years, not because she was help back but because I looped with her and her class for 3 years.  Yep, 540 days of memories with those kiddos.  Hannah was the mother of our classroom.  And that is what I loved most about her, her heart for the kids that struggled or were the outcasts.  She would find them and check in with them.  Asking them if they had done their nightly reading, did they write down their homework for the night, why did they make that stupid decision to yell out during class.  She took care of them, she took care of us.  She was just that kind of kid.

And then I met her mom and I totally knew why Hannah was the way she was.  When I first met Gayle she was known as the lollipop lady.  She would come to school on Friday afternoons and deliver lollipops to the kiddos.  They loved seeing her and honestly, I did too!  She always had a smile on her face.  And not a fake, I'm only smiling because I am in a school and you should be happy kind of smile.  It was genuine.  She was just that kind of lady.  When she brought Hannah into meet the teacher night, I knew we would have an instant connection and we did.  Gayle and I formed a friendship that was so dear to me.  She became a part of my family.  She stood up for me when other parents didn't understand the choices I was making in class, she showered me with love and handmade gifts, she called just to check on me and always let me know that she was getting tickets to Wicked when it came to Charlotte so I could join in on the fun.  We shared Hannah's successes, we planned class parties and fun snacks.  Gayle was that kind of parent.  She adored Hannah, supported Hannah and taught Hannah to always think of others.  Honestly, I used to tell people that I wanted to be Gayle Lowder when I grew up!

Yesterday, I visited Gayle at the local Hospice house.  You see several years ago, Gayle let me know that the cancer that had been in remission, had come back.  And this time that terrible disease had taken over.  The diagnosis wasn't great, but Gayle never flinched.  After sharing this news with me, she immediately wanted to know what kind of party we wanted to have for the next holiday.  Even in the hardest time of her battle of cancer, Gayle was always thinking of others.  She never missed a Green Room performance her daughter was in and in fact was always there making costumes, painting sets. When I would ask her how she was, she would always tell me she was making the most of everyday she was here.  As I held her hand yesterday, as she peacefully slept, I couldn't help but think of how many lives this precious woman had touched.  I began to tear up at the all the ways she had made my little corner of the world a brighter place.  As I listened to her daughter tell me about how she was checking in on a former student I had, I heard Gayle's heart too.

Today, Gayle's long battle with cancer ended.  And my heart just hurts.  I will miss her laugh, her smiles, her persistence, her heart for others. My heart hurts for her sweet daughter, who probably can't understand why things like this happen.  My heart hurts for her husband who stood by her side every moment of this long and hard journey.  My heart hurts of the countless people who were blessed by each encounter they had with Gayle.  And then I am reminded of her greatest legacy, her dear sweet Hannah who will continue on in this world touching people's lives just like her momma did.  Hannah will be just as giving, just as caring, just as funny, just as thoughtful because she had the best example.

Maybe one day, I will also be like Gayle when I grow up...

day 8 :: breathe

I have never been really good at telling the truth from a lie. The only time I am able to usually do this is when my students lie to me. They have this way of looking at the floor, biting their lips, stammering over their words which pretty much clues me into the fact that they are embellishing the truth just a bit.

This is especially true when I think about the thoughts that flow through my mind day after day, moment after moment. There are seasons where these thoughts are the truth. I hear the voice of the one who created me telling me that He delights in me, He sees past my shortcomings to the woman that He created me to be. I hear that I am loved, that I am good enough, that I have purpose and that He has a good and perfect plan for me! I rest in the truth that His timing is the best timing and that even in the waiting he has not lost sight of me.

However, in other seasons, I can’t even hear the faintest whisper of this truth. The lies that flood my mind are so loud and clear that I find myself believing them all. Lies about who I am, my body, my life, my friends, my future. You name it, the lies just get louder and louder til they completely drown out that still small voice I am longing to hear. I feel like no matter what I do, I will never be able to breathe in the truth. I will never be able to hear those things that I know bring me life.

I can remember times when I knew nothing but truth. Times where I was able to just be me. To dance in the freedom that I knew in Christ. I was able to take the lies that I heard and replace them with truth, with life-giving words. Those were times I felt alive, I felt like Brooke, like I mattered.

But somewhere in the corners of my mind, I find myself doubting what I hear and in creep the lies. And then I feel like I can’t get out of it. And friends, right now, I find myself in one of those places where the lies have crept in and I am having a hard time hearing truth. Normally, I would never write about this on a blog (much less a friend’s blog), I would not share my heart. But I feel like as  women (sorry if any of you readers are guys), we all find ourselves in those places at one time or another. We strive to be everything for everyone, only to hear we are not enough. We desperately try to live healthier, only to be reminded that we don’t measure up. We long to be loved, only to have those parts of us that we don’t love thrown in our faces. We give little pieces of our hearts away, only to get them back torn and bruised.

But the good news is, there is one who does say we are enough, we do measure up, and that we are loved. He speaks truth about us and longs for us to believe it. So while in this season, even though I am having a hard time finding that truth, I have HOPE that He still whispers through the lies, He still gives breath where it feels we are suffocating.

And for this… I must keep breathing…

***My dear friend Alisha, who blogs over at http://alishalambertpr.wordpress.com/ asked me several months ago to write a guest post for her blog.  This is the post I wrote so I just thought I would share it here as well!  Go follow Alisha and her blog, she is a young woman seeking to trust God in a new season of life and adventure! ***

day 7 :: music :: brave

During this month of blogging, I have decided to dedicate my post on Monday to music and lyrics that speak to my heart.  Music has always been one thing that can speak to my heart like nothing else can.  

If you were to ask my friends or family if I normally speak my mind, the answer would be a resounding NO!  I am usually the one to keep my mouth shut, the one to never say how they really feel.  Not because what I have to say is mean or vengeful, but because I am always afraid of rocking the boat, causing conflict of people not liking me!  

I am in LOVE with the song Brave by Sara Barellies.  I love the way she encourages us to say the things that need to be said and to do it even when it might not be the easiest thing in the world to do!  

Hope this video brings a little joy to your Monday!  

Be brave my friends...

day 4, 5, 6 : proverbs 27:9 :: sweet friendships

Many years ago, 7 girls decided to have a Girls Weekend.  They had just graduated from college, were getting their first jobs and trying their hand at this real life thing.  They were young, they were dreamers, they were wide eyed and ready to see what God had planned for them.  And this past weekend, I had the privilege of spending the weekend with these girls again, a tradition that has held on for the last 8 years.  We are not the same naive young girls we were then.  Now we bring kids, families, new careers, big girl problems to the table but the fellowship is sweet and the time is never long enough.

I was so blessed by this time with real girlfriends this weekend.  And I use the word real, because I feel like that is what we are with each other.  The labels and the unhealthy pressure we put on ourselves as women is gone.  Our time together is certainly not about that.  Instead we cherish the moments we have together, sharing stories of the joys we are experiencing, the pain that seems too hard to bear and even the hard questions we have about life and what God's plan really is.  Our time together is full of laughter sharing those same old stories from college that we all remember but yet have to tell every  year.  We stuff ourselves with too much good food and ban ourselves from talking about how unhealthy the food is or how awful we feel about eating it.  We pray together, support each other...we refresh each others souls.

This year my dear friend Katrina found the perfect spot for our annual group picture:

I am not sure if you noticed the sign above our heads, but it says Memory Lane (and yes we are standing on the side of a busy road, and yes we did prop the phone up on a random piece of construction equiptment to capture this moment).  You see we have spent many wonderful weekends walking down Memory Lane...memories of first babies, marriages celebrated, relationships broken, loss that happened to soon, issues we never thought we would deal with but what a sweet comfort to know we aren't walking down Memory Lane alone.  Indeed, my friends, a sweet friendship does refresh the soul!

day 3 ::: throw back Thursday

That is 7th grade Brooke. Naive, self conscious, funny 7th grade Brooke. This Brooke didn't know the real feeling of heartbreak or the devastating sting of loss. But what she did know was how to be a people pleaser, to follow the crowd, to use her words to hurt others to make herself feel better. Because her opinion of herself was so negative, she felt like she needed others to feel that way too. 

Oh 7th grade Brooke, if only I could go back and tell you to hold your head high because you had so much to offer your little piece of the world. I wish I could tell you to choose words that encouraged people not tore them down. I would tell you that your worth is so much more than what the popular girl or that crush says about you. I would tell you to not ignore your dad when he embarrassed you but instead spend those moments embracing him. So many life lessons I would teach you...

I hope 35 year old Brooke is listening too...

day 2 ::: measuring up

If I were to be honest with you or really myself, I would tell you that I have an unhealthy desire to be good, actually great at everything I attempt.  Growing up, the multiplication drills in Mrs. Griffin's 3rd grade class were cut throat, I had to win.  As I got older, this same mentality drove the goals I made for myself, the activities I chose to involve myself in, the people I associated myself with.  Don't get me wrong, wanting to be good at something is not a bad thing.  But where this desire led me was that I knew I couldn't be good at it, I would just not try.  I can think of countless experiences that I missed out on because I was afraid I would not measure up, that the people involved would not accept me, that I would somehow look foolish and not be perceived as good.  And this my friends is something I can't stand about myself...

Because of this fear of not measuring up or being good at something, I keep my mouth shut when I should share a great idea.  I don't reach out to people in new situations, they might not want to talk to me.  I don't call my friends on the phone out of the fear that I would be bothering them.  Time after time I have let fear of failure run my life.  If I can't succeed at the task, why even try?  

As I am getting older, I am learning that all those missed opportunities have possibly kept me from meeting some amazing people, from blessing others or being blessed in return.  I think it's time I let go of that fear and take the risk...

31 days

365 days, a year, that is how long it has been since I thought about posting on this blog.  I feel like I often set myself up for failure with this little piece of my world.  I set lofty goals for myself, I need to have lots of followers, comments or I must find the perfect words to write, but for these next 31 days my goal is just to write.  Some days it might just be a caption to a photo or some song lyrics that made me smile or brought me to tears.  You see this time, these 31 days are going to be for me.  Not some list of things that are unattainable, just simply, to write!  

So let's get this journey started and here is to the next 31 days...

B