12 years

I miss my dad everyday.  Yes, today marks an anniversary, 12 years since he laughed at my silly jokes, sang You are my Sunshine to me, 12 years since I have seen his smile.  Today doesn't mean I miss him more, just means my heart is a little more sensitive to all the time that has gone by without him here.

There are many times during my everyday comings and goings that I wish I could pick up the phone and ask my dad his advice about something, that I could stop by his house just to get a hug.  It is in those everyday moments that I miss him the most.  Even though my dad and I did not always have the greatest relationship, I always knew he was my biggest fan.  He loved me in a way that no one else could.

I have typed and deleted, typed and deleted this post so many times and all I can figure is that I can't adequately capture what my dad meant to me, what he taught me and how much I miss him.  I wish he could have met the amazing kids I was able to teach.   I wish he could have gone with me to the airport as I traveled half way around the world to share God's love with the people of South Africa.  I wish I could tell him the stories of the young men who welcomed me into their community in Pollsmoor prison.   So many memories and firsts that he has missed.

But I am thankful for the times we did have together...my daddy and I had a special bond.  I am thankful for the way he lived out his struggles and didn't hide them from me as it has made me more sensitive to people who silently suffer.  I am thankful for the way he found beauty in the everyday moments as it has made me more aware of the beautiful in the mundane.  I am thankful for the ways he took risks and it has made me less timid to try new things.  I am thankful for the way he picked himself up after he made mistakes and kept on going as it has made me persevere in times when I didn't really want to.

I know my dad shakes his head at me all the time as he watches me put myself into situations that probably not the best for me, and he might have even rolled his eyes.  But I sure hope he smiles as he watches me try to make a little difference in the lives of the people I come into contact with and to make my little corner of the world a better place.

I love you daddy...today and everyday!