I Am...

Today started out as one more crazy day. I knew I needed to get up extra early because I had a parent conference scheduled for 7:15. Yes, I said 7:15...that would not be a typo. Mom called for my usual 5:30 wake up call and I totally told her I was up and going. Well I think I lied, because the next time I looked a the clock, it was 7:20 and I was in panic mode. I ran around trying to get ready, calling people at school to ask them to cover my class...it was crazy! I did end up getting to school a little after 8:00..don't ask me how!
But this just started my day off in a not good way...I felt like I was always 50 steps behind where I needed to be as I rushed around school to get things ready for the day and make sure the day went smoothly. When I got home from school, after 5 parent conferences, I was really looking forward to our small group meeting. This is such an encouragement to my week and I knew it would help put things into perspective. Well, we were supposed to be watching a DVD tonight, and wouldn't you know that my DVD player would not work. So, we did not get to discuss what we had intended although, i was really happy for the fellowship time with this amazing group of ladies! All this to say...I really fell like Satan has a radar and can tell when you are a little bit vulnerable. And he immediately swoops in and pushes every button he can just to get you down. I could really talk about this forever, but tonight I am just feeling that a lot. But I am clinging to the fact that GOD IS ENOUGH. He is constant, the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. He takes the ordinary parts of my life and calls me me daily to make them extraordinary. He loves me ugly parts and all...grumpy and tired...He is near and wants me to live a life that is full and abundant.
Last week at small group, Amanda shared a great song, that I actually had been thinking about, and it turned out she had brought to share with small group. Here are the lyrics...so true...let this be your prayer even now...

I AM by Jill Phillips
Oh gently lay your head
Upon my chest
And I will comfort you
Like a mother while you rest
The tide can change so fast,
But I will stay
The same through the past,
The same in future, same today

CHORUS:
I am constant; I am near
I am peace that shatters all your secret fears
I am holy; I am wise
I'm the only one who knows your heart's desires
Your heart's desires

Oh weary, tired and worn,
Let out your sighs
And drop that heavy load you hold
Cause Mine is light

I know you through and through;
There's no need to hide
I want to show you love
That is deep and high and wide

CHORUS(2x)

Oh gently lay your head
Upon my chest
And I will comfort you
Like a mother while you rest

Shine...

Have you ever been in the place where you are not sure if God is moving in your life? You don't know if you hear Him, you can't see him moving around you, you feel stuck? Well, I have been in this place, I swear for like the past 3 years. That is not to say that God has not being doing things all around me or to imply that I have not felt close to God at moments over these past few years, but that true feeling that God is right in the midst of what is going on in my life has definitely been missing. One thing I have been craving is good fellowship with a group of people who will ch allege and support me in my faith, a small group if you will. For years I have been telling my friend Kristi, I really felt like I should start a small group but of course I never acted on it and continued to feel empty and hungry for true fellowship. So this year, I was determined...even if it just turned out to be me and my bible, I would start this small group. So I sent out an email to a few friends inviting them to my house for a little fellowship and fun. This could turn out to be a really long story and truth of the matter is most of you who read this were probably there. So I will give you the short version...

Our group had watched the Nooma, Breathe (if you have not seen it...oh you have to watch it! AMAZING). And we had decided to stay with it for a few weeks and really spend some time in the word understanding the scripture that went along with it. So this past Tuesday, Amanda did an amazing job of taking the scripture in Exodus where Moses sees the burning bush and helping us really pick it apart and look deep in this passage. We were talking about what we have been hiding from people, and I shared with the group that I am hiding that I live in fear but I am really asking God to help me live in the freedom that He provides. And then we started talking about the burning bushes that are in our lives. I will not go into all that happened during that time, but just trust that it was a great discussion, so nice to be able to share with people what was on my heart and feel loved, supported and prayed for. Such a blessing..

Now fast forward to Wednesday, my friend Kristi came into my room and told me she wanted to go get a tattoo on her foot of a star. And then she went on to explain that was what she wanted to be, a light in a dark world. She knew she had been called to be light and she really wanted others to see that light in her. In a very quick, not thought out reply, I told her I would go with her. Not really sure that I would get a tattoo at all, because I am not going to lie, I knew it would hurt, I thought about it a little more. And I was really drawn to this idea. That we are called, yes called to SHINE a bright light in the world, a world that is hopeless, faithless and hurting. Sometime I need a visual reminder of that too...so I told her I would get one too! And then I got to thinking a little more about what I know God has called me to do...to be His hands and His feet. I tend to think I am pretty good at the hands part of that command. I like to serve, be helpful to others, play it safe. But the feet part is another story, that required action, that is the GO behind the command. This is the part of what God has called me to do that I have not been faithful with. So to get a tattoo on my foot would remind me that I am to GO! Go where God is asking me to go, no matter what that is and then once I go to be that light in the dark world! So all that to say....



I did it...I have a tattoo that reminds me to GO and be a light to a dark and ugly world. The second star is also in memory of my dad who I lost 6 years ago. I know that the stars are one way for me to know that he is watching over me and this helps me to know he is with me all the time!

I know something very not like me, but I am really happy with it. And more than that I am happy with what it means to me..now if I can just be all that God is calling me to be...It is time to SHINE!

Do Not Fear...

Tonight a new coworker and friend invited me to go with her and her husband to their church for an event. They had set up a large screen in the church parking lot and had a movie night under the stars. I was excited to hang out with this new sister in Christ and to get to know her and her husband a little better. The church was showing the movie, Facing the Giants. I had not seen it but had heard many great things about it. It really was a great movie. Such a good and solid message...With God All Things Are Possible. For those of you who have not seen the movie, it is the story of a high school football team that just can't seem to get a break. The coach really begins to seek the Lord and to have his team play for his glory and the team really turns around. They make it to the state playoffs to face the Giants...this is where I really heard the Lord speak to me. It was at this point in the movie that the young coach was in the locker room before the state championship game. His former coach comes in to encourage him before the game and the coach is just talking about how he is not sure his team is ready and how he is afraid that they will be trampled out on the field. The older coach then reminds the younger one that in the bible God tells us 365 times...Do not fear. The statement was made and I did not even make the connection until Shannon leaned over and said, "Isn't that awesome...one time for everyday." Wow...do not fear...once for everyday of the year.
I feel like I have been living most of my life in fear. When I think about what I think, how I choose to act, what I say or more importantly don't say are usually a direct result of being afraid of something. Being afraid of looking stupid, being afraid of what others might be thinking of me, being afraid of being rejected, the list goes on and on. God calls us to live a life that is not full of fear but yet full of faith that He is in control and with Him all things are possible. This is my prayer tonight, that I would begin to live knowing that God is with me, and that through Him I find my strength and should not fear...not today, tomorrow or any day.

The biggest leesson of all...

Never commit to writing a list of things at the beginning of the school year...because it will not get done! Wow...what a big time blog slacker I am! I apologize to all three of you who actually read this blog for not being able to commit to actually following through with this list of 30 things. To be really honest, I really think my previous post (#5) encompasses so much of what i have learned in my life. Yes, there have been more lessons, trials, joys, but what I experienced that year has molded me and changed me and made me who I am. It was a bit of healing posting about it...as I am not usually one to talk too much about missing my dad. So thank you for letting me share, and for being patient as I try to get back on the blog saddle! I am back friends...probably not back enough to post the rest of this list, but let the new posting begin....

#5...

#5...You have no control over the amount of time you have with those you love...enjoy and take advantage of every precious moment...don't regret anything...cherish the time you have!

6 years ago today was one of the worst days of my life. It was 6 years ago today that I learned that my dad had passed away. I was a naive 22 year old getting ready to start her 2nd year of teaching. I never in a million years would have expected to hear the words I heard that Sunday morning. Even today, I am blown away by the sudden loss of my daddy. I wish I could say that I took advantage of every second with him...that I always told him how I felt...hugged him when we said good bye...but I didn't. I know there were times that I walked out his door and never even thought to tell him I loved him. How I wish I had that time back. These past 6 years have been full of so many accomplishments, firsts, and happy memories that I wish I could have shared with my dad. I often find myself wanting to pick up the phone and tell him about my crazy day at school or to get him to tell me what to do to fix my car. I look at my favorite picture of the two of us and my heart aches for a big bear hug...you know the kind that only a dad can give his daughter. If only time had stood still and I could have told him how much I loved him. If only I could have told him that I was so proud of him and that he had challenged me to be a better person. If only I could have told him how much I admired his strength and his determination to overcome a disease that had a strong hold on his life. But for now, I have to just share those thoughts in my heart and wait for the day when I will be able to crawl up into his lap and laugh and cry and talk the way we used to. There are so many things I wish my dad would be here for...when I watch my friends walk down the aisle at their wedding with their dad at their side I miss him. When I the dads of my students walk their kids into school, I miss him. When I see a Duke t-shirt I miss him. Not a day goes by that I do not wish he was still here with us. The only hope I have in this is that he is living it up in heaven and just waiting for me to get there one day! I love you dad...and I hope you are proud of the woman I am becoming...

Last year on So you think you can dance, Mia Michaels, one of the choreographers, created this dance about her dad that had passed away. As I watched the movements of these dancers on the stage, I just wept. I long for the day when my dad and I can dance like this again...Until then...

On a roll...#4

Don't be shocked...I promised I would catch up to my blogging slackerness...only one more today and I will be all caught up!

Alrighty here we go...
#4 There will be times in life where you feel like it is the first day of your freshman year of high school and you are standing in the cafeteria with your tray and don't have a clue what to do...and it is ok, take risks and move on with life...you will survive!

Do you remember that awkward moment, everyone was looking at you, you had no clue what to do and your feet would not move...no matter how much you told them to do it. It was not the school cafeteria for me, but the Commons Area. For all my fellow Rockets out there, the Commons Area I am sure brings back many great memories. But I will never forget the first day of freshman year, it just happened to be my birthday and I was terrified. When I walked in the front doors, after being dropped off by my mom, I was not even cool enough to know an upperclassman who could drive me... I saw the Commons Area looming down the hall. This was the place to be seen...to hang out...to make your mark in high school. I had heard about it, but had not a clue what to do when I got there. The commons area was a large room with benches lining the walls. One side for each class...of course the freshman got the short bench and often the floor and the seniors were living it up with padded benches galore. I made my way into the crowds, looking for any familiar face. Of course I saw no one and I just found myself standing in the middle of the chaos with a definite deer in the headlights look. I kept telling myself to move, to go sit down or at least just get out of there, but I was stuck. I was so worried of doing something wrong, sitting on the wrong bench, falling...that I was frozen. I had no idea what to do. Luckily a good friend came to my rescue and led me in right direction. I survived the commons area but always felt bad on that first day of school when that freshman stood in the middle and just froze...oh I remember that feeling.
I think we all have times like this in our lives. We are afraid to mess up the order of things, to look silly, to talk to the wrong group, take some one's seat, etc. I am still this way. But thankfully I am learning that taking the risk to look like that dorky freshman is ok and not nearly as traumatic as I remember it. So I guess I have learned that the Commons Area times of life will happen, and I will make it through them.

#3 on the list of things I have learned in my 30 years...

So when I started this series of blogs, I thought it would be a lot easier than I am finding it to be...I know I have learned a lot, grown a lot, and changed a lot in the last 30 years. But when you stop and try to put all those life lessons into words, it is kinda tough. So I appreciate you all bearing with me as I trudge through this process. What I love to, is that I feel I can be honest through these blogs and get my thoughts and feelings out and don't have to worry about differences of opinions etc. Because these are just my opinions...feel free to disagree! I am convinced that this is a healing process for me and a time to be able to reflect and reason through this crazy journey we call life. It is so nice to have people along side you on the journey...so thanks my friends for being fellow travelers...what an adventure.

Lesson #3: Quality (in most cases) is so much better than Quantity

Remember when you were little and your mom or some other caring adult would be passing out some yummy snack or treat...and you would count to see how much the friend next to you got to make sure you had more or at the very least the same number. I think as young people we are programmed that more is better. I know I have felt that it many areas of my life. In high school, as sad as it sounds, I think I found my worth in the number of friends I had. It was not until later on in my high school years, did I realize that the number was great, but the depth and quality of those relationships was so much better. Even today I have to fight this temptation to find my worth in the number of things or people I have in my life. Just think facebook...how many friends do you have?!? Thankfully, I am learning more and more each day that when it comes to many things in my life the value of the relationship or quality of the super cute sweater actually means more than the number of friends I have on facebook or the insane amount of clothes I have in my closet. I am not sure that I am completely there yet, but I am hoping that in the upcoming years, I can really be the type of person who seeks quality interactions, friendships, relationships, shopping trips, just time in general. I guess the only thing in my life where this still does not apply would be paper products...I mean can you ever really have too many of those:)