Days 12 and 13 :: just like riding a bike

A few months ago, a group of my friends decided to plan a trip to ride theVirginia Creeper trail.  Before really realizing what this entailed, I agreed to this adventure.  Mostly because it is always a good time with this group of friends and it sounded like fun.  At the time I did not realize I was committing to a 17 mile bike ride.  I had not been on a bike in at least 20 years, and I know they say you never forget, but I was pretty confident this girl had long forgotten how to ride a bike.

Yesterday was the big day for our ride, and it was the perfect day for a 17 mile bike ride.  The fall colors were gorgeous and the scenery was breathtaking.  I felt like I was in a postcard all day long.  The quaint towns we rode through, the old buildings and stunning views.  The company, the ice cream treat at the end, everything about our day was perfect!  And riding the bike, was no problem!

There were several times through our ride yesterday where I was away from the group, just pedaling (or coasting) along taking in all the sites around me.  I was blown away by the vibrant colors, the flowing creeks and just the absolute beauty of what was surrounding me.   I was so thankful for this time to just be quiet and still, no cell service meant I was off the grid for a good 7 hours or so.  I was so thankful for the simple reminders of how God is in the little details of everything.  I was so thankful for the 7 friends who were along the trail with me, who live life with me and encourage me.  Yesterday was just one of those days, those perfect days, where you are reminded about the sweet things in life.

 
 
So thankful...

day 11 :: gonna be honest

Gonna be honest here tonight on the ole' blog.  I got nothing.  My brain is tired.  My heart is heavy.  I am anxious and weary and just don't feel like I have must to offer this blog this evening.

Please tell me that I am not the only one who ever feels that way. Are there things I should say?  Sure.   Could it be freeing to talk about some of my deep down feelings, thoughts, worries, fears?  Yep, probably.  But I just don't have it in me tonight.

I hope that doesn't turn you away from reading the rest of the 31 posts this month.  This is just me being real. Today a good friend reminded me that I don't always  have to pull it together, that I don't have to get over it, I am human and this is just part of this crazy thing we call life.


Thanks you few readers out there for letting me be real and messy and human on the blog today!

day 10 :: grow up

Over the past couple of weeks I have had multiple conversations with some ladies who are fresh out of college and have ventured into the real world. New jobs, first apartments, marriage, first paychecks, bills...all these new and exciting things hitting them in the face for the first time!  And at some point in each of these conversations, each girl has said in some form or fashion, "Growing up is not as fun as I thought it would be."  And sometimes I have to agree.  That fantasy that we have in our heads when we are in college just doesn't always seem to come true.  Life is hard, messy and ugly at times.  Of course there are times that bring us great joy, make us laugh until we cry and encourage us, but there are also times where it seems like it would be much easier to call mom and dad and live in their basement!

So here are few things that I wish I had known before I realized that growing up is hard!

1.  Bills...they take your paycheck!  I thought I would get to buy new clothes, go on fancy trips, eat out every night.  But nope, those darn power bills, water bills, insurance bills seem to suck up every last penny. (And now I am singing Bills by Destiny's Child)

2.  Finding a church and community is exhausting, hard and messy.  When I first moved to Hickory a church family and community was something I longed for.  And I guess in my naive 22 year old mind, I thought it would just fall into my lap.  But friends, this was probably one of the hardest things I have done in my life.  It took me such a long time to find a church where I felt at home and cared for.  And now I find myself in that place again and I dread it.  I guess what I learned in this process is no church is perfect and being our of your comfort zone is not always a bad thing.

3.  Car repairs and maintaining is no fun!  I hate dealing with car stuff.  I hate calling to get the appointment, I hate getting the call about what is wrong, I hate checking my bank account to see if there is enough money to cover said repairs.  Seriously not my favorite thing.  Aren't your parents just supposed to take care of that all the time!

4.  Friday night no longer has the same meaning that it did in college.  Loved going out on Friday evenings with my friends in college.  It might have just been dinner but seriously, looked forward to it every week.  But then full time jobs happened. And honestly, if I can make it til 8 o'clock on Friday evenings, it is a miracle.  I am exhausted.  And maybe it is just teachers, but goodness, there is no more going out on Friday!

I could go on and on about things I wish I had been told before the real world became my reality.  But I guess the biggest thing I have learned is..growing up is hard!

day 9 :: when i grow up

I met Hannah when she was in the 3rd grade.  She is one of those kids, the kind of student who finds that special place in your heart and you know they will stay there for a long time.  Hannah was an overall great student, smart, funny, talented.  I have no doubt she will be that "best all around" kinda kid when she is in high school.

I had the privilege of teaching Hannah for 3 years, not because she was help back but because I looped with her and her class for 3 years.  Yep, 540 days of memories with those kiddos.  Hannah was the mother of our classroom.  And that is what I loved most about her, her heart for the kids that struggled or were the outcasts.  She would find them and check in with them.  Asking them if they had done their nightly reading, did they write down their homework for the night, why did they make that stupid decision to yell out during class.  She took care of them, she took care of us.  She was just that kind of kid.

And then I met her mom and I totally knew why Hannah was the way she was.  When I first met Gayle she was known as the lollipop lady.  She would come to school on Friday afternoons and deliver lollipops to the kiddos.  They loved seeing her and honestly, I did too!  She always had a smile on her face.  And not a fake, I'm only smiling because I am in a school and you should be happy kind of smile.  It was genuine.  She was just that kind of lady.  When she brought Hannah into meet the teacher night, I knew we would have an instant connection and we did.  Gayle and I formed a friendship that was so dear to me.  She became a part of my family.  She stood up for me when other parents didn't understand the choices I was making in class, she showered me with love and handmade gifts, she called just to check on me and always let me know that she was getting tickets to Wicked when it came to Charlotte so I could join in on the fun.  We shared Hannah's successes, we planned class parties and fun snacks.  Gayle was that kind of parent.  She adored Hannah, supported Hannah and taught Hannah to always think of others.  Honestly, I used to tell people that I wanted to be Gayle Lowder when I grew up!

Yesterday, I visited Gayle at the local Hospice house.  You see several years ago, Gayle let me know that the cancer that had been in remission, had come back.  And this time that terrible disease had taken over.  The diagnosis wasn't great, but Gayle never flinched.  After sharing this news with me, she immediately wanted to know what kind of party we wanted to have for the next holiday.  Even in the hardest time of her battle of cancer, Gayle was always thinking of others.  She never missed a Green Room performance her daughter was in and in fact was always there making costumes, painting sets. When I would ask her how she was, she would always tell me she was making the most of everyday she was here.  As I held her hand yesterday, as she peacefully slept, I couldn't help but think of how many lives this precious woman had touched.  I began to tear up at the all the ways she had made my little corner of the world a brighter place.  As I listened to her daughter tell me about how she was checking in on a former student I had, I heard Gayle's heart too.

Today, Gayle's long battle with cancer ended.  And my heart just hurts.  I will miss her laugh, her smiles, her persistence, her heart for others. My heart hurts for her sweet daughter, who probably can't understand why things like this happen.  My heart hurts for her husband who stood by her side every moment of this long and hard journey.  My heart hurts of the countless people who were blessed by each encounter they had with Gayle.  And then I am reminded of her greatest legacy, her dear sweet Hannah who will continue on in this world touching people's lives just like her momma did.  Hannah will be just as giving, just as caring, just as funny, just as thoughtful because she had the best example.

Maybe one day, I will also be like Gayle when I grow up...

day 8 :: breathe

I have never been really good at telling the truth from a lie. The only time I am able to usually do this is when my students lie to me. They have this way of looking at the floor, biting their lips, stammering over their words which pretty much clues me into the fact that they are embellishing the truth just a bit.

This is especially true when I think about the thoughts that flow through my mind day after day, moment after moment. There are seasons where these thoughts are the truth. I hear the voice of the one who created me telling me that He delights in me, He sees past my shortcomings to the woman that He created me to be. I hear that I am loved, that I am good enough, that I have purpose and that He has a good and perfect plan for me! I rest in the truth that His timing is the best timing and that even in the waiting he has not lost sight of me.

However, in other seasons, I can’t even hear the faintest whisper of this truth. The lies that flood my mind are so loud and clear that I find myself believing them all. Lies about who I am, my body, my life, my friends, my future. You name it, the lies just get louder and louder til they completely drown out that still small voice I am longing to hear. I feel like no matter what I do, I will never be able to breathe in the truth. I will never be able to hear those things that I know bring me life.

I can remember times when I knew nothing but truth. Times where I was able to just be me. To dance in the freedom that I knew in Christ. I was able to take the lies that I heard and replace them with truth, with life-giving words. Those were times I felt alive, I felt like Brooke, like I mattered.

But somewhere in the corners of my mind, I find myself doubting what I hear and in creep the lies. And then I feel like I can’t get out of it. And friends, right now, I find myself in one of those places where the lies have crept in and I am having a hard time hearing truth. Normally, I would never write about this on a blog (much less a friend’s blog), I would not share my heart. But I feel like as  women (sorry if any of you readers are guys), we all find ourselves in those places at one time or another. We strive to be everything for everyone, only to hear we are not enough. We desperately try to live healthier, only to be reminded that we don’t measure up. We long to be loved, only to have those parts of us that we don’t love thrown in our faces. We give little pieces of our hearts away, only to get them back torn and bruised.

But the good news is, there is one who does say we are enough, we do measure up, and that we are loved. He speaks truth about us and longs for us to believe it. So while in this season, even though I am having a hard time finding that truth, I have HOPE that He still whispers through the lies, He still gives breath where it feels we are suffocating.

And for this… I must keep breathing…

***My dear friend Alisha, who blogs over at http://alishalambertpr.wordpress.com/ asked me several months ago to write a guest post for her blog.  This is the post I wrote so I just thought I would share it here as well!  Go follow Alisha and her blog, she is a young woman seeking to trust God in a new season of life and adventure! ***

day 7 :: music :: brave

During this month of blogging, I have decided to dedicate my post on Monday to music and lyrics that speak to my heart.  Music has always been one thing that can speak to my heart like nothing else can.  

If you were to ask my friends or family if I normally speak my mind, the answer would be a resounding NO!  I am usually the one to keep my mouth shut, the one to never say how they really feel.  Not because what I have to say is mean or vengeful, but because I am always afraid of rocking the boat, causing conflict of people not liking me!  

I am in LOVE with the song Brave by Sara Barellies.  I love the way she encourages us to say the things that need to be said and to do it even when it might not be the easiest thing in the world to do!  

Hope this video brings a little joy to your Monday!  

Be brave my friends...

day 4, 5, 6 : proverbs 27:9 :: sweet friendships

Many years ago, 7 girls decided to have a Girls Weekend.  They had just graduated from college, were getting their first jobs and trying their hand at this real life thing.  They were young, they were dreamers, they were wide eyed and ready to see what God had planned for them.  And this past weekend, I had the privilege of spending the weekend with these girls again, a tradition that has held on for the last 8 years.  We are not the same naive young girls we were then.  Now we bring kids, families, new careers, big girl problems to the table but the fellowship is sweet and the time is never long enough.

I was so blessed by this time with real girlfriends this weekend.  And I use the word real, because I feel like that is what we are with each other.  The labels and the unhealthy pressure we put on ourselves as women is gone.  Our time together is certainly not about that.  Instead we cherish the moments we have together, sharing stories of the joys we are experiencing, the pain that seems too hard to bear and even the hard questions we have about life and what God's plan really is.  Our time together is full of laughter sharing those same old stories from college that we all remember but yet have to tell every  year.  We stuff ourselves with too much good food and ban ourselves from talking about how unhealthy the food is or how awful we feel about eating it.  We pray together, support each other...we refresh each others souls.

This year my dear friend Katrina found the perfect spot for our annual group picture:

I am not sure if you noticed the sign above our heads, but it says Memory Lane (and yes we are standing on the side of a busy road, and yes we did prop the phone up on a random piece of construction equiptment to capture this moment).  You see we have spent many wonderful weekends walking down Memory Lane...memories of first babies, marriages celebrated, relationships broken, loss that happened to soon, issues we never thought we would deal with but what a sweet comfort to know we aren't walking down Memory Lane alone.  Indeed, my friends, a sweet friendship does refresh the soul!